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  1. #91
    Member abseh1's Avatar
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    Computer Skills












    This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!











    Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

    Customer: A white one...

    Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

    Customer: Your left or my left?

    ****************************


    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.

    Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.

    I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front

    of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

    ****************************


    Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

    ****************************

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

    Customer: OK

    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

    Customer: Yes

    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

    ****************************

    Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

    Customer: Five dots.

    ****************************

    Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

    Customer: Netscape.

    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

    Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..

    ****************************

    Customer: I have a huge problem.

    A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,

    but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

    ****************************

    Tech support: How may I help you?

    Customer: I'm writing my first email.

    Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,

    but how do I get the little circle around it?

    ****************************

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

    Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

    Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.

    The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,

    and his printer is working fine.'

    ****************************

    Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.

    That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

    Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

    Customer: I don't have a P.

    Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

    Customer: What do you mean?

    Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.

    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
























































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  2. #92
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
    The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
    One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
    Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
    This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
    At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
    For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
    At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
    The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
    The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
    Then the parrot says,
    "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  3. #93
    Administrator Help2Go Administrator Canuck's Avatar
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    Funny Donna, but here's a true story. I was having a bad time with our African Grey parrot a few years back .. he was biting (drawing blood) and lashing out at me in particular. It just so happened it was at Thanksgiving time I happened to pass his cage with a frozen turkey in hand. Being curious little fellows, he climed up on his cage and streached his neck to see what was going on. I turned to him and said 'this will happen to you if you don't smarten up!!'. Do you know, from that day on his biting while not completly stopped was certainly curtailed. They know you know .. just do a google search on Alex the parrot or Einstein.


  4. #94
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    LOL...Oh yes! I know that they know. Birds are not stupid. Your mention of Alex and Einstein above reminded me of the bird my dad had many moons ago. He used to say here kitty, kitty! One day kitty almost got him and from then on he would just whistle and say pretty bird whenever the kitty was around. Unfortunately he couldn't do the backstroke and was found belly up in the kitchen sink that was left full of dish water. Funny thing, after that kitty found a new resting place in the birdcage. I think kitty missed birdy hitching rides on his back.

    Did you ever see the movie called Paulie. Excellent movie for the whole family.
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  5. #95
    Administrator Help2Go Administrator Canuck's Avatar
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    Yes, a very good movie .. especially if you're a bird lover


  6. #96
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

    After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  7. #97
    Member abseh1's Avatar
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    Default 25 Great Truths & possibly the 5 Best Sentences you'll ever...

    1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

    -- John Adams



    2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

    -- Mark Twain



    3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

    -- Mark Twain



    4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

    -- Winston Churchill



    5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

    -- George Bernard Shaw



    6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

    -- G. Gordon Liddy



    7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

    -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)



    8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

    -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University



    9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

    -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian



    10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

    -- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)



    11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

    -- Ronald Reagan (1986)



    12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

    -- Will Rogers



    13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

    -- P.J. O'Rourke



    14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

    -- Voltaire (1764)



    15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

    -- Pericles (430 B.C.)



    16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

    -- Mark Twain (1866)



    17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.

    -- Anonymous



    18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

    -- Ronald Reagan



    19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

    -- Winston Churchill



    20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

    -- Mark Twain



    21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

    -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)



    22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.

    -- Mark Twain



    23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

    -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)



    24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

    -- Thomas Jefferson



    25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

    -- Aesop



    FIVE BEST SENTENCES



    1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.



    2. What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.



    3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.



    4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.



    5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!
    SIGNATURE...When I post info I assume you have already read this link
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  8. #98
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    When Grandma goes to court....

    During a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

    The defense attorney nearly died.

    The judge immediately demanded that both attorneys approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
    "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  9. #99
    Member abseh1's Avatar
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    Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield
    ===========================
    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.


    Itís tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!


    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.


    A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over.. Nobody was home!


    A hooker once told me she had a headache.


    I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service.


    If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.


    I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'


    I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.


    I knew a girl so ugly.. they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.


    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.


    I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.


    The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'


    My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.


    I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.


    My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.


    My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.


    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.



    SIGNATURE...When I post info I assume you have already read this link
    How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer

  10. #100
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress .

    The short one, Jackie leaned over and said,

    'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

    'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 note.

    So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

    Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

    Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

    'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

    'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

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