The Bad Joke Thread! (Forum rules still apply!)

[reddogleader]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner...........talk about Dyson with death ?

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "To hell with that" says Mick" have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - as she only had $11.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker................. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"? ..................One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're not listening".

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[DonnaB]

Dear Dad letter....

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with
trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,
I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many
grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[abseh1]

Subject: Grandparent's answering machine......PRICELESS!!!!!!!

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but please Leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp .... If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is. If you need us to stay with the children, press 2 If you want to borrow the car, press 3 If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4 If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5 If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6 If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7 If you want to come to eat here, press 8 If you need money,press 9 If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre , start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!" WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them … They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.' They don't say, 'Hurry up.' Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. Theycan taketheir teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?' When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad. GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog..

[DonnaB]

These two monkeys were taking a bath.

1st monkey says "OO,OO,AA,OO."

2nd monkey says "Well, add some more cold water."

Ba dumm dumm!

[MrDarn]

Two fish sitting in a tank.

one looks at the other and says: "sooo... do you have ANY idea how to drive this thing??"

[MrDarn]

After thirty years of marriage, my wife has matured like a bottle of the finest wine.

Fat at the bottom, and I don't want to take its top off.

[DonnaB]

And then there was the guy the cop pulled over and said, "Papers"...

So the guy said "Scissors...I win" and drove off...

[DonnaB]

Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[abseh1]

OXYMORON'S

1.Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3.If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4.If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5.Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6.Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7.Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8.Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"

when we are already there?

10.Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11.Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18.Iflove is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control

when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23.How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26.Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree

and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

[abseh1]

Never squat with your spurs on

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:


a. The ones that learn by reading.


b. The few who learn by observation.


c. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.





9.Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


10.If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old