The Bad Joke Thread! (Forum rules still apply!)

[abseh1]

Here are five things you shouldn't do on social media if you'd like to remain employed, married, or free to walk the earth.

Five Things You Should Never Do on Facebook (or Anywhere Else) | PCWorld

What you say and do on social media can be used against you in a court of law. Don’t believe it? You may soon find yourself wearing an attractive orange jump suit or living out of a suitcase in a residential motel.
Since 2010 social media evidence has been used in more than 700 cases, per Dishon & Block Family Law Attorneys. Facebook alone is cited in more than 20 percent of American divorce cases, according to published reports.

[DonnaB]

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences,msince it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’

After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties. In her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director.

The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained,

‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

[DonnaB]

Hm...what to do if you have leftover Easter Egg dye?

Oh...I know!

[DonnaB]

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[abseh1]

Think about it...I know some uhh most are terrible..but here goes anyway...

1. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.



2. When chemists die, they barium.

3. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

4. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

5. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

6. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

7. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

8. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

9. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

10. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

11. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

12. We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

13. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

14. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

15. When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

16. Broken pencils are pointless.

17. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

18. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

19. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

20. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

21. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

22. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

23. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

24. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

25. Velcro - what a rip off!

26. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

27. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

[abseh1]

Finally, someone with common sense to prove that common sense is not dead.

Question.
How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Answer.
Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack
=========================================
Question.
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
Answer.
No time at all, the wall is already built.

[reddogleader]

What do you call a short sighted dinosaur? Dyethinkhesawus.

[DonnaB]

Ok. Somebody here at Help2Go has stolen my copy of Microsoft Office. Whoever it is, I will track you down.......You have my word!

[DonnaB]

Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead.
"We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy. "Don't worry," said Bubba.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking."
They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked,
"You boys been drinking?"
"No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels.

"Me and Billy are on the patch."

[reddogleader]

A man comes home tired from work to find his wife dressed up and demanding that he take her dancing. At the night club she continues to complain about his lack of enthusiasm and lack of energy. On the dance floor is another guy trying his best to be John Travolta. "Do you see him?", the wife screams, "25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I turned him down!". "And it looks like he's still celebrating" replied the husband.