The Bad Joke Thread! (Forum rules still apply!)

[DonnaB]

That reminded me of the following. The Tech helping did lose his job! Far as I'm concerned...for good reason!

Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant. May I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Support: "What sort of trouble?"
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away."
Support: "Went away?"
Customer: "They disappeared."
Support: "Humm so what does your screen look like now?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Support: "Nothing?"
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Customer: "How do I tell?"
Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you it wouldn't accept anything I type."
Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer: "What's a monitor?"
Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer: "Yes, I think so."
Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Customer: "Yes, it is."
Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Customer: "Okay, here it is."
Support: "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Customer: "I can't reach."
Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle; it's because it's dark."
Support: "Dark?"
Customer: "Yes, the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer: "I can't."
Support: "No? Why not?"
Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
Support: "A power……A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Support: "Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"

[arraknid]

Mmm, cloned jokes now! A sure sign supplies are running low!

[DonnaB]

Hm..speaking of Ducks,

A duck walks into a bar, sits down and says, “Man, I’ve had a really rough week, Gimme something to take the edge off.” The bartender brings him a beer.

The duck says “No, I don’t like beer. What else you got?” The bartender brings him a glass of wine.

The duck says “No, I don’t care for wine either. Maybe some of the hard stuff? I really want to get wasted.” The bartender brings him a mixed drink. The duck declines this also. This goes on for some time…eventually the bartender makes every drink he ever learned in bartending school, and has poured every shot the bar has to offer, yet the duck has turned up his bill at everything. Exasperated, the bartender tells the duck “Look, buddy, I’ve given you every choice we have in the bar! If you want to get hammered, I dunno what else I have that we can offer you…”

So the duck says, "Got any nails?"

[DonnaB]

Guy walks into a bar and says, "Drinks for everyone, and barkeep, pour one for yourself too." Everyone thanks him and, a few minutes later, he buys another round for everyone including the bartender. He orders a third round and the barkeep says, "Sure, but please pay for the first two rounds before I pour the third." The generous guy says, "Money? I don't have any money." The bartender beats him up and throws him into the street. A few minutes later he comes back in and says, "Barkeep, drinks for everyone. But not for you. you get nasty when you're drunk."

[DonnaB]

And arraknid...this ones for you!

This big dude walks into a bar with a little spider on his shoulder, as soon as one of the dudes in there spots it, he tells his friends and they all laugh.

The man says: "Laugh while you can, 'cos this spider is stronger than any of you!!!"

The man making fun replies "I'd like to see that!!"

"Fine, my spider will pick up this bar stool" he sets the spider on the floor and the spider easily picks it up.

"That's nothing!!"

"But there's more, now the spider will pick up a table" and the spider easily picks up the table.

The men, not letting the spider impress them, only boo it "Now, gentlemen, this tiny spider will pick up the bar!!" and the spider spits on his hands, rubs them together and makes a great effort, but it picks up the bar!!!

The men, a little impressed ask "What else can it do??" So the man says "Now, it will pick up the bar with everyone of us on it!!" thinking it couldn't be done, the men start to get on the bar until there's like 40 guys on it.

The spider looks worried but starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination. suddenly, a man walks into the bar sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it "You bunch of babies, scared of a little spider!!!!"

[Steph]

Well, I have some great jokes but as this is a family forum I can't post them ...

So instead, here are things people said in court :

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know anything about it until the next
morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception [of the baby] was August
8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did
you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But the patient could still have been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law somewhere.

[abseh1]

(Warning: a bit salty...but not offensive....from my friends across the big pond)

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[DonnaB]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:


"They're looking for me"

[DonnaB]

Just the facts!

Michael Jordan vs Bill Gates! Nerds Win | dailyfun.us

[MrDarn]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!