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  1. #31
    Member MrDarn's Avatar
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    This ones a little close to the mark, so i've worded it "Conservatively"

    Paddy goes to the doctors with a Rash down below.
    He tells the lady doctor what the problem is, and she asks him to drop his pants.
    She pokes and prods for a bit. before saying "Paddy, i'm afraid your going to have to stop playing with yourself."
    "WHAT!!??!? but WHY???" he replies
    "Because paddy...." She replies.



    "I'm Trying to Examine you!"
    Always remember you're unique.


    ...Just like everyone else!
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  2. #32
    Member MrDarn's Avatar
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    Before marriage:
    She : Hi
    He : Oh, I've been waiting for this ...
    She : You want me to go ?
    He : no, Not at all
    She : do you love me ?
    He : of course, big time
    She : you picked the wrong woman ??
    He : no, why do you say that ?
    She : you wanna kiss me ?
    He : every time I see you !!
    She : you wanna slap me ??
    He : are you crazy ? never
    She : can I trust you ?
    He : yes
    She : My love
    ...
    after marriage
    Read the same text upwards ...
    Always remember you're unique.


    ...Just like everyone else!
    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

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  3. #33
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded rural area of Saskatchewan.

    After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

    However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

    His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

    For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

    Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

    Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

    Later that afternoon, John was going on his way to a nearby town but as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him get to his car.

    John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

    Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

    'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

    Compliments to RDL for sending me this joke via e-mail!
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  4. #34
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

    "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird.

    "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

    "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  5. #35
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    Ok. Here's a cute one! Sorry about the CAPS! Copy and paste.

    A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

    HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
    BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."
    MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

    BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  6. #36
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

    Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

    'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

    'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

    'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

    'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  7. #37
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    One day a man decided to retire...

    He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

    He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

    After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

    In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

    She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

    "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

    "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

    "But, where did you get the tools?"

    "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

    The guy is stunned.

    "Let's row over to my place," she says.

    So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.

    While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

    "Would you like a drink?"

    "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

    "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

    No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

    "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

    When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

    "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"

    She stares into his eyes.

    He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

    "You've built a Golf Course ?"
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  8. #38
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    Oh! Now this personal experience I just have to share!

    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I actually got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

    Just because I had died my hair blonde in the past doesn't mean that makes me automatically stupid forever! Right? So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, which was, "In ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves!"

    "Well helllooooo? It's been a year!", I told him.

    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. pft..... I bet he felt like an idiot.

    Geesh! Some people!
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  9. #39
    Member abseh1's Avatar
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    Wink Regarding All E-Mails !!!

    Regarding All E-Mails !!!

    This is hilarious! (and it's ABOUT TIME someone did this!)
    Click here
    SIGNATURE...When I post info I assume you have already read this link
    How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer

  10. #40
    Member reddogleader's Avatar
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    Newbies always welcome.
    A little help is worth a ton of sympathy.

    Toshiba Satellite Laptop
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