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  1. #71
    Member reddogleader's Avatar
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    The only man to enter the Houses of Parliament in England with the right idea was Guy Fawkes.
    A little help is worth a ton of sympathy.

    Toshiba Satellite Laptop
    Windows 7
    Firefox. IE9, Chrome
    8 Gig Ram

  2. #72
    Member abseh1's Avatar
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    HELLO, OPERATOR
    ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!!

    Actual call center conversations!

    Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
    can you help?'
    Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
    Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
    Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Samsung Electronics
    Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
    Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
    I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
    telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
    number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    RAC Motoring Services
    Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
    traveling in Australia ?'
    Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
    'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,
    do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Directory Enquiries
    Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
    Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
    Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
    Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
    Customer: 'OK.'
    Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
    Customer: 'No.'
    Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
    Customer: 'No.'
    Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
    Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
    you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
    Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
    So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
    Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

    Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
    (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

    Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
    Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
    Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
    Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
    Operator: 'Went away?'
    Caller: 'They disappeared'
    Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
    Caller: 'Nothing.'
    Operator: 'Nothing??'
    Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
    Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
    Caller: 'How do I tell?'
    Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
    Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
    Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
    Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
    Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
    Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
    Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
    Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
    Caller: 'I don't know.'
    Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
    the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
    Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
    Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
    plugged into the wall..
    Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
    Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
    there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
    Caller: 'No.'
    Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
    find the other cable.'
    Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
    Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
    the back of your computer..'
    Caller: 'I can't reach.'
    Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
    Caller: 'No..'
    Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
    Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
    Operator: 'Dark?'
    Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
    coming in from the window.'
    Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
    Caller: 'I can't.'
    Operator: 'No? Why not?'
    Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
    Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
    licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
    packing stuff that your computer came in?'
    Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
    Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
    up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
    the store you bought it from.'
    Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
    Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
    Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
    Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'
    --
    SIGNATURE...When I post info I assume you have already read this link
    How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer

  3. #73
    Member abseh1's Avatar
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    HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    -- Derrick, age 8

    WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
    Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    -- Lynnette, age 8

    On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    -- Martin, age 10
    SIGNATURE...When I post info I assume you have already read this link
    How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer

  4. #74
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    Daddy, how was I born?

    Well, son, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and Googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got Male!"
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  5. #75
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
    She started her class by saying,
    "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
    After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
    The teacher said,
    "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

    "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  6. #76
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was angry.

    She said, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and IT BETTER BE THERE!"

    When she woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box in the middle of the driveway. She ran outside to open it & inside she found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday!
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  7. #77
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.

    "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
    "Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.
    I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

    He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  8. #78
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    Ever wonder who really invented the internet...or Google even?

    Here's my theory.......

    Many, many moons ago, probably in ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

    And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

    And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

    And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?", as a good husband would.

    And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

    And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

    Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

    To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

    But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading...hm...first ever spyware maybe?

    And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

    They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

    And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

    And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

    And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

    And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or Ebay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

    And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

    Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

    And that is how it all began.
    Last edited by DonnaB; 08-26-2011 at 11:44 AM.
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  9. #79
    Member abseh1's Avatar
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    Default Tell me this won't happen to us !!!!

    Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
    together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
    her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
    'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
    94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
    up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
    'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92-year-old was
    sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
    sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
    never get that forgetful, knock on wood....' She then
    yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
    I see who's at the door.'


    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
    SIGNATURE...When I post info I assume you have already read this link
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  10. #80
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    And the Darwin Award goes to.................

    Ape With AK-47 - YouTube
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

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