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  1. #1
    Member MrDarn's Avatar
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    Default The Bad Joke Thread! (Forum rules still apply!)

    Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone!!!!



    What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar??!?!
    Always remember you're unique.


    ...Just like everyone else!
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  2. #2
    Member Steph's Avatar
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    Why was the parrot wearing a raincoat? So it would be poly-unsaturated.
    Today is the dawn of another error ...



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  3. #3
    Member MrDarn's Avatar
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    One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

    "Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

    Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

    "Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

    Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

    The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it. "

    "You'll really love my place. "

    "The grass is almost a foot high!"
    Always remember you're unique.


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  4. #4
    Member MrDarn's Avatar
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    A Member of Parliment was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the M.P. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
    "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
    The M.P, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
    To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know Sh!t?!!?"
    And then she went back to reading her book.
    Always remember you're unique.


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  5. #5
    Member Steph's Avatar
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    Oooh, I like this thread! This is one of my favourite jokes :

    The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

    In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

    By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v

    During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

    Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
    Today is the dawn of another error ...



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  6. #6
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    Ok we have to have a blond joke so here you are!

    I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was ”CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

    A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"


    (Are you ready for this?)








    She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  7. #7
    Member Spyware Fighter DonnaB's Avatar
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    A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

    The DEA officer explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

    The rancher nods politely and Re-iterates his concern that he should not go into the field. "See this badge? The officer shouts again. "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land, anywhere. No questions asked. Now Have I made myself clear? Do You Understand?" The rancher nods again and goes about his business.

    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

    "Your BADGE, Show him your Almighty BADGE !!!!"
    If you think you might be infected with malware or have recently cleansed your computer of malware without the help of an expert, please read and follow the instructions in How to Start Removing Viruses and Spyware from your Computer. This can alleviate time consumed in trouble shooting your current computer problems.

    If your problem is solved, here's how to say thanks!

    Very proud parent of a U.S. Navy "CB"



    "People may forget what you say,
    People may forget what you did,
    but People will never forget how you made them feel!"

  8. #8
    Member MrDarn's Avatar
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    A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

    "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

    "Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

    Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

    She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!”and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

    "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
    Always remember you're unique.


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  9. #9
    Member reddogleader's Avatar
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    I can't remember Jokes.
    I don't remember if I sent this one out. . . ..
    I don't think I did . . . uh, . or did you send it to me?

    Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .
    God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
    Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
    2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
    3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .
    5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .
    6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
    7. If all is not lost, where is it?
    8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
    9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .
    10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
    11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
    12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
    13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
    14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .
    15. It's hard to make a come-back when you haven't been anywhere.
    16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
    17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
    18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. .
    20. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
    21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
    22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
    23. I'm unable to remember if I have mailed this to you or not.
    24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . uh, what's it called? Oh, yeah, . . . absent minded.
    A little help is worth a ton of sympathy.

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  10. #10
    Moderator Forum Moderator arraknid's Avatar
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    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
    The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
    "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
    "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
    "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please? I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
    Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring master of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
    "I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!"
    "Sounds marvellous", says the ring master, "get him to give me a call".
    So, the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
    "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
    "At the circus", says the landlord.
    "The circus?", the duck enquires.
    "That's right", replies the landlord.
    "The circus?" he queried. "That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
    "That's right!", says the landlord.
    The duck looks confused, "What on earth would they want with a plasterer?"

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